Weddings, Bachelorettes, and the Art of Surviving Summer in Your 20s & 30s

As a therapist who works primarily with women navigating life changes, I spend a lot of time in session talking about weddings. I work with bride’s, groom’s, maid of honours, wedding guests, those who wish they were getting married, those who wish they were invited to the wedding, and every other variation of friend and relative. The therapeutic themes embedded into weddings are endless; boundaries, family dynamics, identity, control, vulnerability. Yet it is often what falls outside the couple that we spend the most time on: Friendship and the expectations and comparison.

For so many women we spend our teens and twenties on the same paths as our friends. We feel understood and connected as we navigate similar challenges, milestones and life changes. As people move into engagements and weddings, the differences can feel louder than the similarities, que the comparison. As we get invited (or not invited) to bachelorette party’s, weddings and showers we start to feel our friendships become labelled and valued in a different way than they were previously… que the expectations. 

Comparison has us question our own value as we observe what someone else is experiencing. It wears down our self-esteem to talk about, and imagine what other people are doing, spending, and feeling. We don’t have to be jealous to feel “less than”. Simply having an instagram account or feeling like we are “too behind” or “too far ahead” will push our brains to compare. Humans are pack animals with an overwhelming desire to feel connected. We feel safest when we are doing the same thing as others, and that means doing the same things (and having the same things) as our friends.

Expectations are the unspoken beliefs about how we should show up for people, and how they should show up for us. What I often see during wedding events is people shifting their expectations of others, and in a way redefining relationships based on how much time, energy and resources are put towards the relationship and the events. 

We manage these feelings by understanding them, being honest with ourselves and creating room for acceptance and growth. When we manage these feelings effectively (comparison and our own expectations) we have space to focus on the life stage we are in, while still supporting the people we love. 

Managing Comparison & Expectations:

Validate what you are experiencing:

When we try to shove feelings down or ignore them, they don’t really disappear, they tend to come out sideways as dysregulation or resentment, which can steal the presence and connection we’re actually craving.

Instead, give the feeling somewhere to go. Journal it, talk it through in therapy, or lean into books, music, or podcasts that help you feel understood and less alone in it.

Always be mindful of where the emotion gets directed. Constantly unloading it onto other people can sometimes leave us feeling even more disconnected from ourselves, others and the season of life we’re in.

UNO Reverse:

The “UNO reverse” is about noticing when comparison pulls our attention outward and intentionally redirecting it inward. When we find ourselves focused on what others have that we don’t, we shift the question: what is unique or meaningful about my current stage of life, and how can I engage with it more fully?

Expectation Check:

Fact checking your own expectations and cognitive distortions.

• What has been communicated VS what has been assumed?

• Do I feel I just feel FOMO or is this bigger than that?

• Will this matter in 6 months?

• Will doing/spending BLANK make me resentful?

Other Reminders/Reality Checks:

• The build up is always worse than the thing we are worried about.

• There’s no fair comparison in weddings. Every choice is shaped by a different story, different people, different season of life.

• Friendships are defined by the small moments.

This is an area Soul Work supports often, using approaches like Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to help people stay grounded in their values while navigating the emotional weight of seasons like this. Support is always available if you’re looking for it!